So a zombie apocalypse starts tomorrow and takes over the world.

You can build your own survival team with only current professional athletes, Who would you want to help defend the existence of humanity? 

Well, the good news is, I have done the research. I have read more than my share of zombie survival guides, watched enough zombie movies to make Chuck Sherman from American Pie look cool, and played enough rounds of Call of Duty Zombies to make my eyeballs fall out. So yeah, I’d say I’m pretty qualified to know who you will want by your side in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

This is basically the Dream Team of Zombie Survival, so this might not be the first but it should be the last.

Leader

Besides yourself, who would be the leader of this pack? The leader is going to be someone that takes charge of the group. When a decision needs to be made, who is going to be the one to step up and make the right calls?

This would’ve been a no brainer for me by either naming Kobe Bryant leader because who wouldn’t follow a guy with the nick name ‘Black Mamba’ and plus he’s a BAMF or Ray Lewis because he could motivate an ant if he wanted to and we all know what he can allegedly do with a knife. Allegedly that is.

However both are respectfully retired so that won’t do. One guy that sticks out in my mind who can not only whoop ass but can back it up with every word he says is: Connor McGregor.

Picture via SerpLogic
Picture via SerpLogic

Connor McGregor is straight out of the electric factory, this man will get anyone going. He is literally the Drake song ‘Started from the Bottom‘. He works his ass off and his will power to be the best is unmatchable. 

His words speak volumes, he built him self from the ground up and talked shit and backed it up every step of the way. So this sounds like a guy that I’d follow into a zombie apocalypse confidently.

Brawler

This one is easy for me, one guy who will fight just because someone said the word fight? Ndamukong Suh. This man will take your lunch money by just staring at you and beat you up for just looking at him wrong. He stomps out 300lb lineman in the NFL  like bags of dog shit on fire so I’m sure he’ll be quite useful.

So the fact that he has a free go at stomping out zombies is more than enough for me. Add this guy to the team pronto.

Weapons Expert

Picture via The Truth About Guns

I’m going with James Harrison on this one, if there’s one guy that looks like he kills people in his spare time for fun its James Harrison.

This guy will have everyone locked loaded and ready to go and have people blowing zombie brains out in no time. Also I think his arms might be registered deadly weapons so that’s probably a plus.

Brains | Medic

I feel I should explain that in every group of zombie apocalypse survivors, at least one of you has to have a higher IQ than Adam Sandler in half his movies.

Thats why I’m going with Craig Breslow (MLB Pitcher).

Now this might come to a surprise to most of you but hear me out;

Breslow is arguable the smartest man currently playing on a major sports franchise. After studying molecular biophysics and biochemistry at Yale (3.5 GPA), Breslow took the MCAT in preparation for med school, and scored a remarkable 34 on the exam (average score is 28, mind you).

via Men’s Fitness

Breslow was named the smartest athlete by The Sporting News in ’10. Men’s Fitness named him one of the 10 smartest athletes in professional sports in ’12.

Not wanting this guy on your team would be banana land. He could be argued as the most important person. He’ll be brain blasting ideas all over the place like Jimmy Neutron. So lets keep this dude alive and add him to the dream squad.

Car Guy

Picture via Pinterest
Picture via Pinterest

This is a no brainer for me.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. The legend him self. This guy would have us swerving in and out of zombies at record speeds. He also likes to hunt and do all the hick stuff nobody knows how to do like wipe your ass with the proper leafs and make fishing poles out of sticks.

In other words he’ll bring more than just driving to the team.

Mascot

Without at least one women, this group would last as long as a piece of Juicy Fruit gum. There is just too much testosterone in this group to survive without females. And there are some very talented female athletes that would be useful for more than just their figure.

Thats why I’m going with Serna Williams. She’s the definition of that whole strong independent women that won’t take shit from anyone thing. Blah Blah Blah. Anyways, what I’m saying is she’ll be able to hold her own, and is trained to swing things so she’ll be taking zombie heads off with every swing.

The Lucky One

I’m going with Ronda Rousey on this one, because like I said before the team needs women on the team to keep it functioning at a high level or else I’d probably go with someone like Tommy Brady, which if you watched Super Bowl 51 you’d know why.

However, Ronda is definitely more than capable of opening up a can of whoop ass from time to time so I have no problem with adding her to the team. 

Rousey started her career off strong but has been getting her head pounded in as of late; yet she still continues to be one of the most popular female athletes?

I’d have to say she’s pretty damn lucky because most athletes would be thrown out like a dirty diaper in her current situation.

So hopefully she can carry that luck over to the team.

The Fall Guy

So every zombie apocalypse team needs a fall guy aka the first to die just in case shit hits the fan. Basically you need a guy you can 1000% out run if you start to get swarmed. 

Usually this is a fat guy thats useful but just really really really slow. He knows he’s the fall guy, you know he’s the fall guy, and the zombies know he’s the fall guy. He’s usually very aware of his surroundings but there’s always that one time you have to all run for your lives and its up to him to make it.

That’s why Vince Wilfork is my choice here. This guy is a walking donut with crazy strength. He’ll bench press zombies to the moon. He will be useful until his not so fast feet catch up with him.

 

So there you have it, the greatest zombie ass beating team ever assembled with athletes.

Comment who ya got.

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